Well, after almost a year of not posting here, I shall post some rambling that I've come up with in this one moment. Today, during my father's 50th birthday and 20 days from my 20th birthday, during this very long day, a flood of thoughts made it into my mind.
I've come a long way, and I still have ways to go. During the last 3 years, I've come to experience so much more than I ever imagined. All sorts of feelings, inner conflicts, new emotions, all the new people I have met, all the friends I have made, how my bond with my old friends has managed to remain beyond what I thought, how things that I grew up with have come to their end, celebrating the 20th anniversary of that awesome blue hedgehog that I have grown up with and that has been a big part of my life, coming to accept myself as I am, and of course the life-changing experience that was meeting Sare and getting to experience true love for the first time. All that has happened in these three years, and it has really influenced me.
And so, my mind has been flooded in many thoughts. But then... It just hit me. I understood what I needed to. I have gone a long time thinking I don't know myself at all. But it's clear I've known it all along. Was it that I just forgot? No. It's even simpler: I was scare of finding out how weak I have been. What have I done that has really mattered, after all? Have I really done anything in my life that makes me stand out somehow? No. I fucking haven't. Because I have been scared of failing. Of taking a wrong step. When I shouldn't be. My true fear has been coming to understand how much I have constantly failed, how much I've screwed up, how many chances I have missed. And yet, I have come to accept it, because every each of those events has eventually taken me here, where I am now.
Now I have a clearer view of what I should do. Because of those failures it is that I managed to be who I am, and if not for that, I would have never known Sare. Even the most painful moments have something valuable in them. Every moment makes us who we are. And we must face every moment without doubting our choices for even a split second. For each choice we make, we should have no regret. In the end, what's done is done, right? So it's a simple thing: Live life. Trust your feelings, live and learn. That much is something very important my blue hedgehog friend has taught me, although I believe it is until now that I really understand that. Or at least that I have come to interpret it my way.
The rest of this is for someone long departed. Someone I will never talk to again, or perhaps I will. I do not know, but I feel that the one that this is for is with me here, right now, just as she has for years. I now understand what you said without words. I understand why you did what you did. As I've grown up, I've interpreted it in various ways, and I'll most likely interpret it in another in the future. But what matters is the right now, and I thank you.
And thank you, Sare, for always keeping me going and being the main reason why I've changed so much and I've started being more... Myself as time goes by. Thank you for everything, my dear~ I love you~
I will keep on living life. Living and learning. And doing what I really wish to do. Because after all, that's what it's all about.
Listening to: Crush 40
Reading: Lotsa stuff
Playing: Sonic Advance 3